1 00:00:09,802 --> 00:00:12,138 ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪ 2 00:00:12,180 --> 00:00:13,848 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪ 3 00:00:13,973 --> 00:00:15,600 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪ 4 00:00:15,725 --> 00:00:18,937 ♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ 5 00:00:19,062 --> 00:00:20,813 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪ 6 00:00:20,939 --> 00:00:22,440 ♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪ 7 00:00:22,565 --> 00:00:25,693 ♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪ 8 00:00:25,818 --> 00:00:29,030 ♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ 9 00:00:29,155 --> 00:00:32,450 ♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪ 10 00:00:36,454 --> 00:00:38,581 Okay, Carol, put the card you picked back into the deck 11 00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:40,583 so I can't see it...twah. 12 00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:41,417 What's going on? 13 00:00:41,543 --> 00:00:43,836 This feller David Blaine. He's doing magic tricks. 14 00:00:43,962 --> 00:00:45,255 Hey, where'd you get that ice cream? 15 00:00:45,380 --> 00:00:47,423 Okay, now hold this card up to the crowd. 16 00:00:47,549 --> 00:00:49,467 Was that the card you picked? - No, I'm sorry. 17 00:00:49,592 --> 00:00:50,927 I picked the four of hearts. 18 00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:53,054 Four of hearts? Really? Look again. 19 00:00:53,179 --> 00:00:54,430 Aah! 20 00:00:54,556 --> 00:00:55,723 Ohhh! - Whoa! 21 00:00:55,848 --> 00:00:57,642 That's pretty cool, dude! - Who's this asshole? 22 00:00:57,767 --> 00:00:59,185 He's a magician named David Blaine, dude. 23 00:00:59,310 --> 00:00:59,978 He kicks ass. 24 00:01:00,103 --> 00:01:01,145 Where'd you guys get that ice cream? 25 00:01:01,271 --> 00:01:02,814 Sir, c-could you come over here? 26 00:01:02,939 --> 00:01:04,649 Now, what I want you to do, Mister...? 27 00:01:04,774 --> 00:01:05,483 Kern. 28 00:01:05,608 --> 00:01:08,152 Mr. Kern, I want you to just think about a card. 29 00:01:08,278 --> 00:01:10,822 Pick any card, and picture it in your mind. 30 00:01:10,947 --> 00:01:11,739 Okay. 31 00:01:11,864 --> 00:01:15,118 Okay, just -- just think about your card. 32 00:01:15,243 --> 00:01:17,787 Okay, look at me. 33 00:01:17,912 --> 00:01:19,038 Look at me. 34 00:01:20,290 --> 00:01:21,499 Look at me. 35 00:01:21,624 --> 00:01:22,959 Okay, now reach up your ass. 36 00:01:23,084 --> 00:01:25,795 - Huh?! - Go on, reach up your ass. 37 00:01:27,338 --> 00:01:28,423 I don't feel nothing. 38 00:01:28,548 --> 00:01:29,799 - Deeper. - [ Grunts ] 39 00:01:29,924 --> 00:01:31,342 I don't feel -- I don-- 40 00:01:31,467 --> 00:01:33,469 Wait. Wait! 41 00:01:33,595 --> 00:01:35,013 Was that the card you picked? 42 00:01:35,138 --> 00:01:36,598 Yes! Oh, my God! 43 00:01:36,723 --> 00:01:37,724 - Oh ho! - Mm! 44 00:01:37,849 --> 00:01:39,684 - Wow, that's cool! - How'd he do that? 45 00:01:39,809 --> 00:01:40,310 Thank you. 46 00:01:40,435 --> 00:01:43,021 I've been traveling from town to town for quite a while. 47 00:01:43,146 --> 00:01:44,355 I've started quite a following, 48 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:47,734 mostly because of my levitation trick...twah. 49 00:01:47,859 --> 00:01:50,486 Watch. Watch. 50 00:01:53,239 --> 00:01:55,533 - Whoa! - No way! 51 00:01:55,658 --> 00:01:57,952 Damn. That guy is the coolest guy in the universe! 52 00:01:58,077 --> 00:01:59,203 Pamphlet. Pamphlet. 53 00:01:59,329 --> 00:02:01,080 Here you go, kids. Take a pamphlet. 54 00:02:01,205 --> 00:02:02,373 "David Blaine Workshop. 55 00:02:02,498 --> 00:02:04,917 Learn all about David Blaine at the Center for Magic." 56 00:02:05,043 --> 00:02:05,710 Dude, we got to go! 57 00:02:05,835 --> 00:02:07,795 Yeah, and they probably teach you how to do magic tricks! 58 00:02:10,465 --> 00:02:11,341 Hello, everyone. 59 00:02:11,466 --> 00:02:13,593 My name is Steven, and I've been a Blaintologist 60 00:02:13,718 --> 00:02:14,761 for about three years. 61 00:02:14,886 --> 00:02:17,722 So, when David Blaine performed his miracles out on the street, 62 00:02:17,847 --> 00:02:19,182 what moved you the most? 63 00:02:19,307 --> 00:02:20,975 His miracles? 64 00:02:21,100 --> 00:02:24,437 Oh, yes. You see, David Blaine is much more than a magician. 65 00:02:24,562 --> 00:02:27,106 He's a scholar, a visionary, a leader. 66 00:02:27,231 --> 00:02:28,316 When are we gonna learn magic tricks? 67 00:02:28,441 --> 00:02:28,941 Yeah! 68 00:02:29,067 --> 00:02:30,652 Oh, I've got a trick for you to learn -- 69 00:02:30,777 --> 00:02:33,655 I can show you how to make your true self appear. 70 00:02:33,780 --> 00:02:34,989 Let me ask you all something -- 71 00:02:35,114 --> 00:02:37,825 Do you consider yourselves to be happy? 72 00:02:39,118 --> 00:02:40,411 I don't think I'm very happy. 73 00:02:40,536 --> 00:02:43,665 I always fall asleep to the sound of my own screams. 74 00:02:43,790 --> 00:02:47,085 Right, y-you see, the reason that you are unha-- 75 00:02:47,210 --> 00:02:48,628 And then I always get woken up in the morning 76 00:02:48,753 --> 00:02:50,088 by the sound of my own screams. 77 00:02:50,213 --> 00:02:51,297 Do you think I'm unhappy? 78 00:02:51,422 --> 00:02:54,884 Well, the -- the point is that you can be happy. 79 00:02:55,009 --> 00:02:57,095 You see, your friends and parents have programmed you 80 00:02:57,220 --> 00:02:59,639 in a way that makes you feel isolated and alone. 81 00:02:59,764 --> 00:03:04,268 How many times have you felt like nobody knows the real you? 82 00:03:04,394 --> 00:03:05,937 You're not really happy. 83 00:03:06,062 --> 00:03:07,397 KYLE: I'm not really happy. 84 00:03:07,522 --> 00:03:09,482 Your potential hasn't even been reached. 85 00:03:09,607 --> 00:03:11,484 My retential hasn't even been reached. 86 00:03:11,609 --> 00:03:13,236 If you look through David Blaine's incredible book, 87 00:03:13,361 --> 00:03:14,987 you'll find a lot of life's answers. 88 00:03:15,113 --> 00:03:16,781 Let's read some of the book together, shall we? 89 00:03:16,906 --> 00:03:18,783 Then we get to be in David Blaine's secret club? 90 00:03:18,908 --> 00:03:20,535 - That's right. - Cool! 91 00:03:22,370 --> 00:03:24,038 Ike, eat your gefilte fish. 92 00:03:24,163 --> 00:03:25,540 - No. - Mom! Mom! 93 00:03:25,665 --> 00:03:28,000 I found out all about this great new magician named David Blaine. 94 00:03:28,126 --> 00:03:29,919 That's nice, Kyle. Ike, eat! 95 00:03:30,044 --> 00:03:31,504 We spent all afternoon learning about 96 00:03:31,629 --> 00:03:32,880 how we aren't actually happy. 97 00:03:33,005 --> 00:03:35,049 I had no idea how unhappy I was until today. 98 00:03:35,174 --> 00:03:36,300 They gave me this cool book to read, 99 00:03:36,426 --> 00:03:37,635 and I'm already on chapter four. 100 00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:39,804 Well, it's nice to see you so interested in something, Kyle. 101 00:03:39,929 --> 00:03:41,973 Ike, for the love of Abraham, you are gonna eat this! 102 00:03:42,098 --> 00:03:43,307 So can I go to the magic camp 103 00:03:43,433 --> 00:03:44,726 to learn how to become a full member? 104 00:03:44,851 --> 00:03:47,270 All the other guys are doing it, and it's only $69.95. 105 00:03:47,395 --> 00:03:48,521 Magic camp? 106 00:03:48,646 --> 00:03:50,481 I don't know, boubbie. Ask your father. 107 00:03:50,606 --> 00:03:51,774 Ike, you will eat this! 108 00:03:53,985 --> 00:03:58,030 Prepare to be cleansed and release the magic inside you. 109 00:03:58,156 --> 00:03:59,991 I am prepared! 110 00:04:00,116 --> 00:04:01,325 [Buzzes] 111 00:04:01,451 --> 00:04:03,995 Ah, geez, it sure got cold in here. 112 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:05,496 Next! 113 00:04:05,621 --> 00:04:07,957 Congratulations, young Blaintologists. 114 00:04:08,082 --> 00:04:10,042 From this day, you are clean. 115 00:04:10,168 --> 00:04:12,545 Now, we have very important work to do! 116 00:04:12,670 --> 00:04:14,964 David Blaine is going to put on a big magic show 117 00:04:15,089 --> 00:04:19,469 in Denver tomorrow night, where he's going to eat his own head. 118 00:04:19,594 --> 00:04:20,303 [All] Wow! 119 00:04:20,428 --> 00:04:22,430 So it's up to all you new Blaintologists 120 00:04:22,555 --> 00:04:24,348 to get as many people there as you can. 121 00:04:24,474 --> 00:04:27,143 Whoever gets the most people to come gets a prize! 122 00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:30,354 Kyle, I'm starting to think that this is a really bad idea. 123 00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:32,732 I'm not Kyle. I'm Butters. I thought you were Kyle. 124 00:04:32,857 --> 00:04:34,650 - No, I'm Stan. - You're Stan? Where's Kenny? 125 00:04:34,776 --> 00:04:36,027 - Who are you? - I'm Kyle. 126 00:04:36,152 --> 00:04:38,237 Heh heh. Guess who I am, you guys. 127 00:04:38,362 --> 00:04:40,239 Kyle, I think we may have gotten into something bad here. 128 00:04:40,364 --> 00:04:42,116 What do you mean? We're learning all kinds of cool stuff. 129 00:04:42,241 --> 00:04:44,535 Look at us, dude. These people are trying to change us somehow. 130 00:04:44,660 --> 00:04:45,787 I think it's time we went home. 131 00:04:45,912 --> 00:04:48,039 But David Blaine's gonna do more miracles in Denver tomorrow. 132 00:04:48,164 --> 00:04:49,457 I don't care! I'm leaving! 133 00:04:52,835 --> 00:04:53,711 Excuse me. 134 00:04:53,836 --> 00:04:55,922 - Where are you going? - I'm going home. 135 00:04:56,047 --> 00:04:57,507 You don't want to go home. 136 00:04:57,632 --> 00:04:59,258 You said we're free to leave whenever we want. 137 00:04:59,383 --> 00:05:01,177 - You are. - Then move out of the way. 138 00:05:01,302 --> 00:05:03,596 I'm not in your way. You are. 139 00:05:03,721 --> 00:05:05,723 Are you unhappy with the church's teachings? 140 00:05:05,848 --> 00:05:07,266 Let's just talk about it. 141 00:05:07,391 --> 00:05:09,560 I don't want to talk about it. I just want to leave. 142 00:05:09,685 --> 00:05:12,730 Why don't we go into the back room for a second and talk? 143 00:05:12,855 --> 00:05:13,898 Then you can leave. 144 00:05:14,023 --> 00:05:15,566 That's okay. I-I changed my mind. 145 00:05:15,691 --> 00:05:16,692 I'm gonna stay. 146 00:05:16,818 --> 00:05:18,402 That's great news. 147 00:05:22,073 --> 00:05:22,949 Okay, it's all clear. 148 00:05:23,074 --> 00:05:24,534 - What are we doing? - We're getting out of here. 149 00:05:24,659 --> 00:05:26,077 This whole thing has gotten way out of hand. 150 00:05:26,202 --> 00:05:27,662 Whoa, whoa, I'm not going anywhere. 151 00:05:27,787 --> 00:05:30,248 - Come on, Kyle, this is stupid! - It's not stupid, Stan. 152 00:05:30,373 --> 00:05:32,375 For once in my life, I feel like I'm part of something. 153 00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:34,836 A part of what?! Some gaywad magician's crazy life plan? 154 00:05:34,961 --> 00:05:37,213 Don't call Mr. Blaine a gaywad! He's a brilliant man. 155 00:05:37,338 --> 00:05:38,798 No, they've just convinced you that he's a brilliant man. 156 00:05:38,923 --> 00:05:40,258 - Let's go! - I'm not going anywhere! 157 00:05:40,383 --> 00:05:42,385 God damn it, I'm not going with you! I want to stay here! 158 00:05:42,510 --> 00:05:43,719 Huh? I thought you wanted to leave. 159 00:05:43,845 --> 00:05:45,304 - Oh, wait, who am I again? - You're Stan. 160 00:05:45,429 --> 00:05:48,432 Oh, oh, yeah. God-- God damn it, hold on a second. 161 00:05:48,558 --> 00:05:49,976 Okay. Now, look, dude, I'm getting out of here, 162 00:05:50,101 --> 00:05:51,561 and you're a dumbass if you don't come with me. 163 00:05:51,686 --> 00:05:53,312 Then I guess I'm a dumbass. 164 00:05:56,732 --> 00:05:57,942 Kyle, please. 165 00:05:58,067 --> 00:06:00,611 You're -- You're my best friend. 166 00:06:01,946 --> 00:06:03,906 Well, this is what I believe in now, Stan. 167 00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:05,950 And if you can't respect that, 168 00:06:06,075 --> 00:06:08,244 then I guess we're not best friends anymore. 169 00:06:20,298 --> 00:06:22,508 Hello, ma'am. My name is Kyle. And this is Cartman. 170 00:06:22,633 --> 00:06:24,719 We'd like to share our interest in David Blaine with you. 171 00:06:24,844 --> 00:06:28,097 Uh-oh. My husband warned me about you Blainiacs. 172 00:06:28,222 --> 00:06:30,016 I'm sorry, but I'm a Catholic. 173 00:06:30,141 --> 00:06:32,977 Uh, it doesn't matter, ma'am. Blaintology is for everyone. 174 00:06:33,102 --> 00:06:34,937 There are Blaintologists who are Catholics, Buddhists. 175 00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:36,647 Why, even Kyle here is a Goddamn Jew. 176 00:06:36,772 --> 00:06:37,773 That's right. 177 00:06:37,899 --> 00:06:39,525 So you're not a cult? 178 00:06:39,650 --> 00:06:41,152 [Chuckling] A cult? No. 179 00:06:41,277 --> 00:06:42,987 David Blaine is a real person. 180 00:06:43,112 --> 00:06:45,156 You may have seen his television specials on ABC. 181 00:06:45,281 --> 00:06:47,617 He also wrote a book, and we'd like to share it with you. 182 00:06:47,742 --> 00:06:49,368 Well, all right. Come on in. 183 00:06:49,493 --> 00:06:50,411 Cool. 184 00:06:50,536 --> 00:06:52,204 And if you look here, you can see how David Blaine 185 00:06:52,330 --> 00:06:54,624 performed the miracle of being frozen in ice at Times Square. 186 00:06:54,749 --> 00:06:55,750 Ma'am, have you ever wondered 187 00:06:55,875 --> 00:06:57,668 what David Blaine's plan is for you? 188 00:06:57,793 --> 00:06:58,794 No, not really. 189 00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:00,504 Oh, see, that -- that's interesting because 190 00:07:00,630 --> 00:07:02,089 I'm so thankful for David Blaine's book, 191 00:07:02,214 --> 00:07:03,883 and I'm so thankful that he showed me 192 00:07:04,008 --> 00:07:05,092 the way to true happiness, 193 00:07:05,217 --> 00:07:06,761 but I think about his plan often. 194 00:07:06,886 --> 00:07:08,137 David Blaine is doing a big performance 195 00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:09,263 in Denver tomorrow night. 196 00:07:09,388 --> 00:07:11,182 We're sure his magic will entertain and astound you! 197 00:07:11,307 --> 00:07:12,475 He's going to eat his own head. 198 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:14,143 How many tickets can we put you down for? 199 00:07:14,268 --> 00:07:15,353 Oh, I can't go. 200 00:07:15,478 --> 00:07:17,188 Oh, come on. It'll make you a happy person. 201 00:07:17,313 --> 00:07:18,898 - I am happy. - No, you're not. 202 00:07:19,023 --> 00:07:20,316 - Yes, I am. - No, you're not. 203 00:07:20,441 --> 00:07:21,692 - I really am. - No, you're not. 204 00:07:21,817 --> 00:07:23,027 - But I am. - No, you're not. 205 00:07:23,152 --> 00:07:24,654 - All right, two tickets. - Great! 206 00:07:24,779 --> 00:07:26,197 That's 15 people we got to agree 207 00:07:26,322 --> 00:07:28,115 to come see David Blaine perform in Denver! 208 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:29,742 Yes, Brother Kyle, but our work is not over. 209 00:07:29,867 --> 00:07:31,327 We must still recruit 10 more audience members 210 00:07:31,452 --> 00:07:32,495 in order to get the prize. 211 00:07:32,620 --> 00:07:35,081 I think if we try Kenny's neighborhood, we might find a... 212 00:07:36,540 --> 00:07:39,543 Come, Brother Kyle. We have no time for him. 213 00:07:48,678 --> 00:07:49,929 [Engine starts] 214 00:07:50,054 --> 00:07:51,472 [Tires screech] 215 00:07:53,182 --> 00:07:54,558 Aaah! 216 00:07:54,684 --> 00:07:57,561 You'd better watch yourself next time, abandoner! 217 00:07:59,230 --> 00:08:01,065 [Doorbell rings] 218 00:08:01,190 --> 00:08:02,984 - Hi, Jesus. It's me, Stan Marsh. - Stan Marsh. 219 00:08:03,109 --> 00:08:05,152 Of course, I know you, my child. Come in. 220 00:08:05,277 --> 00:08:06,278 This guy is going around doing magic tricks 221 00:08:06,404 --> 00:08:07,488 and saying they're miracles. 222 00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:09,031 My friend Kyle thinks he's totally awesome! 223 00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:10,950 You are good to bring this to my attention, Stan. 224 00:08:11,075 --> 00:08:12,952 Cults are a very dangerous thing. 225 00:08:13,077 --> 00:08:15,246 I read in the Bible that you performed miracles too. 226 00:08:15,371 --> 00:08:16,497 If you could go in front of these people 227 00:08:16,622 --> 00:08:17,748 and do your miracles, then they'll all see 228 00:08:17,873 --> 00:08:19,291 that David Blaine isn't so special. 229 00:08:19,417 --> 00:08:22,294 The miracle I'm most famous for is turning water into wine. 230 00:08:22,420 --> 00:08:24,088 - Can you do it again? - Very well. 231 00:08:24,213 --> 00:08:25,715 I shall perform the miracle. 232 00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:29,135 Behold! Here you can see ordinary water -- clear, clean. 233 00:08:29,260 --> 00:08:31,053 Okay, now turn around. 234 00:08:32,096 --> 00:08:33,597 Uh, n-- tur-- turn around. 235 00:08:36,392 --> 00:08:37,601 O-Okay, now turn back. 236 00:08:38,686 --> 00:08:40,563 It is now wine! 237 00:08:40,688 --> 00:08:43,441 That's it? That's how you did that trick? 238 00:08:43,566 --> 00:08:44,442 W-Well, yeah. 239 00:08:44,567 --> 00:08:46,736 That trick sucks, Jesus. 240 00:08:46,861 --> 00:08:48,863 Oh. Well, I guess it worked a little better on people 241 00:08:48,988 --> 00:08:49,989 2,000 years ago. 242 00:08:50,114 --> 00:08:50,865 Dude, we have to do something. 243 00:08:50,990 --> 00:08:52,783 This guy is performing more miracles in Denver tonight. 244 00:08:52,908 --> 00:08:53,868 He's gonna get more followers, 245 00:08:53,993 --> 00:08:55,327 and it will be impossible for me to get Kyle out. 246 00:08:55,453 --> 00:08:56,328 Then let's go! 247 00:08:56,454 --> 00:08:57,580 But, dude, I'd I don't think you should do 248 00:08:57,705 --> 00:08:58,456 that lame water-to-wine trick. 249 00:08:58,581 --> 00:09:01,917 Oh, don't worry. I have a few more miracles up my sleeve. 250 00:09:04,712 --> 00:09:05,963 This is a really good turnout. 251 00:09:06,088 --> 00:09:10,134 And now, ladies and gentlemen, David Blaine! 252 00:09:10,259 --> 00:09:12,178 Hello, my children...twah. 253 00:09:12,303 --> 00:09:14,847 Ladies and Gentlemen, may we have silence, please, 254 00:09:14,972 --> 00:09:18,517 as magician David Blaine will now eat his own head. 255 00:09:24,190 --> 00:09:27,276 [Audience gasping, murmuring ] 256 00:09:29,403 --> 00:09:30,905 [ Cheers and applause ] 257 00:09:31,030 --> 00:09:31,947 Dude, no way! 258 00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:39,872 Thank you, everyone...twah. 259 00:09:39,997 --> 00:09:42,333 Our organization grows larger every day. 260 00:09:42,458 --> 00:09:44,168 Soon the government will even have to give us 261 00:09:44,293 --> 00:09:46,921 tax-exempt status as a bona fide religion. 262 00:09:47,046 --> 00:09:47,755 Hold! 263 00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:49,924 - It's Jesus! - Is that Jesus? 264 00:09:50,049 --> 00:09:50,925 What's he doing here? 265 00:09:51,050 --> 00:09:53,552 My children, it is time for you to go home 266 00:09:53,677 --> 00:09:55,846 and stop following this false prophet. 267 00:09:55,971 --> 00:09:58,390 You should be using your money and time for other things. 268 00:09:58,516 --> 00:10:00,267 These are simple magic tricks. 269 00:10:00,392 --> 00:10:03,270 His magic is interesting, but will it put food on your table? 270 00:10:03,395 --> 00:10:06,774 Feeding the hungry, now that is a miracle! 271 00:10:07,650 --> 00:10:10,444 Behold. I have here fives loaves of bread and three fish. 272 00:10:10,569 --> 00:10:12,530 Certainly not enough to feed this entire crowd, 273 00:10:12,655 --> 00:10:14,824 but now -- turn around. 274 00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:17,993 You need to turn around. 275 00:10:23,165 --> 00:10:24,166 Okay, now turn back. 276 00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:29,338 Now, how the hell did he do that? 277 00:10:33,134 --> 00:10:34,593 - Wow! - Wow! 278 00:10:34,718 --> 00:10:37,221 Your magic is old and outdated, Jesus...twah. 279 00:10:37,346 --> 00:10:39,473 - Just like you are. - Oh, really? 280 00:10:39,598 --> 00:10:42,268 Then what's this ace of spades doing behind your ear? 281 00:10:42,393 --> 00:10:43,853 - Whoa. - Nice. Ooh! 282 00:10:43,978 --> 00:10:46,480 - Whoa! - Wow! 283 00:10:51,819 --> 00:10:53,946 [Cheers and applause] 284 00:10:54,071 --> 00:10:55,156 Jesus Christ! 285 00:10:55,281 --> 00:10:56,699 He's incredible! 286 00:10:56,824 --> 00:10:58,951 The old religions have failed you...twah. 287 00:10:59,076 --> 00:11:02,705 What have they offered except for war, poverty, and sadness? 288 00:11:02,830 --> 00:11:04,373 Blaintology offers you the key 289 00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:06,584 to living your life to the fullest! 290 00:11:06,709 --> 00:11:07,877 Will you join us? 291 00:11:08,002 --> 00:11:09,170 [All] Yes! 292 00:11:09,295 --> 00:11:11,130 His magic is too powerful, Stanley. 293 00:11:11,255 --> 00:11:12,590 I've never seen anything like it. 294 00:11:12,715 --> 00:11:14,925 Then what are we gonna do? - I cannot face him alone. 295 00:11:15,050 --> 00:11:17,595 We must get the help of all the Super Best Friends. 296 00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:19,054 Buddha -- Buddha, come in! 297 00:11:19,180 --> 00:11:20,306 "Super Best Friends"? 298 00:11:20,431 --> 00:11:21,891 This is Buddha, Jesus. Go ahead. 299 00:11:22,016 --> 00:11:23,475 Buddha, we may have a problem. 300 00:11:23,601 --> 00:11:25,811 I've just encountered a magic I've never seen before. 301 00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:27,271 I'll call everyone together. 302 00:11:27,396 --> 00:11:28,439 Come as fast as you can. 303 00:11:28,564 --> 00:11:31,275 Come, Stanley. We must travel far and long. 304 00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:34,278 To where? - Distances unfathomable to man. 305 00:11:34,403 --> 00:11:36,614 Yea, take hold of my robe, Stanley, 306 00:11:36,739 --> 00:11:38,199 and do not open your eyes. 307 00:11:38,324 --> 00:11:39,074 I am ready. 308 00:11:40,618 --> 00:11:42,161 Are you still keeping your eyes closed? 309 00:11:42,286 --> 00:11:44,330 Yeah. - Good. You want some peanuts? 310 00:11:45,873 --> 00:11:47,124 [Indistinct conversations] 311 00:11:47,249 --> 00:11:48,584 Congratulations, sister. 312 00:11:48,709 --> 00:11:50,753 You have heard the noble truth and are now a Blaintologist. 313 00:11:50,878 --> 00:11:52,630 Everyone! Everyone, gather around! 314 00:11:52,755 --> 00:11:55,049 I have great news for all Blaintologists 315 00:11:55,174 --> 00:11:56,467 and for our new members, as well. 316 00:11:56,592 --> 00:11:59,261 We've just gotten word from Mr. Blaine himself. 317 00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:01,805 The government has denied our church's request 318 00:12:01,931 --> 00:12:03,349 for tax-exempt status! 319 00:12:03,474 --> 00:12:05,768 But we want tax-exempt status. 320 00:12:05,893 --> 00:12:07,353 Yeah, why is that good news? 321 00:12:07,478 --> 00:12:11,398 Because Mr. Blaine has arranged for all Blaintologist members 322 00:12:11,523 --> 00:12:14,276 from every city and state to march into Washington 323 00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:17,029 and demand our right for tax-exempt status 324 00:12:17,154 --> 00:12:19,615 by committing a mass suicide! 325 00:12:19,740 --> 00:12:20,783 Mass suicide? 326 00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:23,494 Mr. Blaine has said that by killing ourselves in Washington, 327 00:12:23,619 --> 00:12:27,206 we are guaranteed everlasting happiness in the afterlife! 328 00:12:27,331 --> 00:12:28,791 [Laughter, indistinct talking] 329 00:12:28,916 --> 00:12:32,044 Get your things ready. We leave for Washington at dawn! 330 00:12:32,169 --> 00:12:35,756 Did you hear that, guys? We're finally gonna die! 331 00:12:40,719 --> 00:12:43,097 All right, Stanley. You can open your eyes now. 332 00:12:43,222 --> 00:12:45,557 This is the Hall of the Super Best Friends, Stanley. 333 00:12:45,683 --> 00:12:48,018 The headquarters for those who stand for what's right. 334 00:12:50,604 --> 00:12:53,357 Jesus! We've been working hard since we got your distress call. 335 00:12:53,482 --> 00:12:54,525 Who the kid? 336 00:12:54,650 --> 00:12:57,569 Stanley, I want you to meet some of the Super Best Friends. 337 00:12:57,695 --> 00:12:59,947 Buddha, with the powers of invisibility. 338 00:13:00,072 --> 00:13:02,783 Muhammad, the Muslim prophet with the powers of flame. 339 00:13:02,908 --> 00:13:04,410 Krishna, the Hindu deity. 340 00:13:04,535 --> 00:13:06,120 Joseph Smith, the Mormon prophet. 341 00:13:06,245 --> 00:13:07,663 Lao-tzu, the found of Taoism. 342 00:13:07,788 --> 00:13:10,082 And Sea Man, with the ability to breathe underwater 343 00:13:10,207 --> 00:13:11,709 and link mentally with fish. 344 00:13:11,834 --> 00:13:13,711 So you mean to tell me that even though people fight 345 00:13:13,836 --> 00:13:15,629 and argue over different religions, 346 00:13:15,754 --> 00:13:17,589 you guys are all actually friends? 347 00:13:17,715 --> 00:13:19,049 More than friends, young boy. 348 00:13:19,174 --> 00:13:20,801 We are Super Best Friends 349 00:13:20,926 --> 00:13:22,761 with the desire to fight for justice. 350 00:13:22,886 --> 00:13:25,389 We all believe in the power of good over evil. 351 00:13:25,514 --> 00:13:26,473 Except for Buddha, of course, 352 00:13:26,598 --> 00:13:27,891 who doesn't really believe in evil. 353 00:13:28,976 --> 00:13:29,810 Wow. 354 00:13:29,935 --> 00:13:31,854 Jesus! Come look at this. 355 00:13:31,979 --> 00:13:34,648 After your distress call, we entered David Blaine 356 00:13:34,773 --> 00:13:36,108 into the Super Best Friends computer. 357 00:13:36,233 --> 00:13:37,901 Many interesting things showed up. 358 00:13:38,027 --> 00:13:40,112 He was raised in New York City by a decent family 359 00:13:40,237 --> 00:13:41,739 but a freak washing-machine accident 360 00:13:41,864 --> 00:13:44,908 at the age of 12 made him learn the ways of the black arts. 361 00:13:45,034 --> 00:13:46,160 That's right, Seaman. 362 00:13:46,285 --> 00:13:47,536 [Laughter] 363 00:13:47,661 --> 00:13:49,038 Sea Man! 364 00:13:49,163 --> 00:13:50,706 Uh, that's what I said -- Seaman. 365 00:13:50,831 --> 00:13:52,166 [Laughter] 366 00:13:52,291 --> 00:13:53,375 Stop it! 367 00:13:56,879 --> 00:13:58,380 [Whispering] Cartman! 368 00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:00,382 Cartman, wake up. Cartman. 369 00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:02,092 No, Paula Poundstone, leave me alone! 370 00:14:02,217 --> 00:14:04,470 - Aah! Uh... - It's just me. 371 00:14:04,595 --> 00:14:07,097 Brother Kyle. Why do you disturb my rest? 372 00:14:07,222 --> 00:14:09,433 Dude. I don't think I want to be part of this anymore. 373 00:14:09,558 --> 00:14:10,059 What? 374 00:14:10,184 --> 00:14:11,560 I think Stan might've been right. 375 00:14:11,685 --> 00:14:13,187 Anyway, I think it's going too far. 376 00:14:13,312 --> 00:14:16,357 I mean, if I kill myself, it's gonna make my family really sad. 377 00:14:16,482 --> 00:14:19,401 Yeah, I know what you mean. I don't want to die either. 378 00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:20,986 I haven't even gotten my pubes yet. 379 00:14:21,111 --> 00:14:22,905 I think we should bail. 380 00:14:23,030 --> 00:14:23,906 If we leave the group, 381 00:14:24,031 --> 00:14:25,783 maybe other people will get the courage to leave, too. 382 00:14:25,908 --> 00:14:28,702 That cou-- That could be difficult, Brother Kyle. 383 00:14:28,827 --> 00:14:31,246 But all right, listen -- Why don't we sleep on it? 384 00:14:31,372 --> 00:14:32,539 If we decide to leave the faction, 385 00:14:32,664 --> 00:14:33,791 we can do it in the morning. 386 00:14:33,916 --> 00:14:36,293 Okay. Okay, you're right. 387 00:14:36,418 --> 00:14:38,504 Oh, Cartman? Thanks. 388 00:14:44,635 --> 00:14:46,053 Cartman? 389 00:14:46,178 --> 00:14:47,388 [ Thud ] 390 00:14:47,513 --> 00:14:49,223 [ Knocks ] What the hell? 391 00:14:52,142 --> 00:14:53,769 [Singsong] I told on you! 392 00:14:53,894 --> 00:14:55,229 I told on you! 393 00:14:55,354 --> 00:14:56,688 What have you done, Cartman?! 394 00:14:56,814 --> 00:14:58,565 This is for your own good, Brother Kyle. 395 00:14:58,690 --> 00:15:00,859 You must understand, brother Kyle...twah. 396 00:15:00,984 --> 00:15:02,528 You know too much about the church. 397 00:15:02,653 --> 00:15:05,155 If you left now, you'd become a danger to our cause. 398 00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:07,157 And you know what else Kyle said? 399 00:15:07,282 --> 00:15:08,659 Um, Kyle, 400 00:15:08,784 --> 00:15:10,577 he said that if we were all gonna commit suicide, 401 00:15:10,702 --> 00:15:12,454 that he wouldn't do it. 402 00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:13,872 Cartman, you fat-ass tattletale! 403 00:15:13,997 --> 00:15:15,791 At least I'm not the boy in the plastic bubble. 404 00:15:15,916 --> 00:15:17,668 The suicide pact will go as planned. 405 00:15:17,793 --> 00:15:20,421 If we die, we all die together. 406 00:15:23,966 --> 00:15:27,052 ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, at the Hall of Super Best Friends... 407 00:15:27,177 --> 00:15:28,345 Look at that, Jesus. 408 00:15:28,470 --> 00:15:30,431 His followers are growing at a rate even faster than mine. 409 00:15:30,556 --> 00:15:32,391 It appears this David Blaine is as dangerous 410 00:15:32,516 --> 00:15:34,268 as you and your young friend had feared. 411 00:15:34,393 --> 00:15:35,102 I knew it! 412 00:15:35,227 --> 00:15:37,354 Here, I have a videotape of his performance the other night. 413 00:15:37,479 --> 00:15:39,356 Perhaps we should have Moses look at the tape 414 00:15:39,481 --> 00:15:40,691 and see what he comes up with. 415 00:15:40,816 --> 00:15:42,067 Moses, scan this tape. 416 00:15:42,192 --> 00:15:43,986 Can you tell us the source of Blaine's power? 417 00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:45,904 Give me the information. 418 00:15:47,322 --> 00:15:49,074 Wow! The Moses. 419 00:15:49,199 --> 00:15:52,411 His magic is a combination of centrifugal line 420 00:15:52,536 --> 00:15:53,871 and sleight of hand. 421 00:15:53,996 --> 00:15:55,122 Wait a minute. 422 00:15:55,247 --> 00:15:56,582 I'm picking up movement 423 00:15:56,707 --> 00:15:58,709 from Blaintologists all over the country. 424 00:15:58,834 --> 00:16:01,545 The Blaintologists are heading to Washington. 425 00:16:01,670 --> 00:16:03,380 - But why? - Wait a minute. 426 00:16:03,505 --> 00:16:05,549 At his performance, David Blaine said something about 427 00:16:05,674 --> 00:16:07,384 trying to get tax-exempt status. 428 00:16:07,509 --> 00:16:08,427 - Oh, my God! - What? 429 00:16:08,552 --> 00:16:10,387 If he gets tax-exempt status, 430 00:16:10,512 --> 00:16:12,097 then he'll become a real religion. 431 00:16:12,222 --> 00:16:14,808 He would become unstoppable. 432 00:16:14,933 --> 00:16:17,269 ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, in the Nation's Capitol, 433 00:16:17,394 --> 00:16:19,313 Blaintologists from all over the country 434 00:16:19,438 --> 00:16:21,899 have gathered to commit mass suicide! 435 00:16:22,024 --> 00:16:24,902 If the government will not give us tax-exempt status, 436 00:16:25,027 --> 00:16:27,279 then we must prove that we are willing to die 437 00:16:27,404 --> 00:16:28,739 for our beliefs...twah. 438 00:16:28,864 --> 00:16:30,741 All right, brothers and sisters, gather around. 439 00:16:30,866 --> 00:16:33,577 It's time to drown ourselves in the reflecting pool. 440 00:16:33,702 --> 00:16:35,954 However, the reflecting pool is a little more shallow 441 00:16:36,079 --> 00:16:38,582 than we originally thought, so to drown ourselves, 442 00:16:38,707 --> 00:16:40,959 you will need to lie on your stomach facedown 443 00:16:41,084 --> 00:16:43,670 until you die, as such. 444 00:16:43,795 --> 00:16:46,590 [Gurgling] 445 00:16:46,715 --> 00:16:48,467 [Gurgling stops] 446 00:16:48,592 --> 00:16:50,344 Next! 447 00:16:50,469 --> 00:16:52,638 ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, at the White House... 448 00:16:52,763 --> 00:16:54,932 Mr. President, we can't let them all kill themselves. 449 00:16:55,057 --> 00:16:57,476 Well, we can't give them tax-exempt status either, Karl! 450 00:16:57,601 --> 00:16:59,394 Hey, George! What's going on? 451 00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:01,813 All right, Brother Kyle, it is time for us to die! 452 00:17:01,939 --> 00:17:04,274 Cartman! We've been brainwashed, don't you see? 453 00:17:04,399 --> 00:17:05,484 We don't have to do this! 454 00:17:05,609 --> 00:17:06,944 But it's the only way for us to be happy. 455 00:17:07,069 --> 00:17:08,195 Cartman, no! 456 00:17:12,366 --> 00:17:16,078 Give us what we want or we will continue to die...twah. 457 00:17:16,203 --> 00:17:17,663 Not so fast, David Blaine. 458 00:17:17,788 --> 00:17:19,206 Jesus! Not again. 459 00:17:19,331 --> 00:17:21,917 Yes! But this time, I've brought some help. 460 00:17:22,042 --> 00:17:23,168 Super Best Friends, ho! 461 00:17:23,293 --> 00:17:24,253 - Buddha! - Muhammad! 462 00:17:24,378 --> 00:17:25,087 - Joseph Smith! - Krishna! 463 00:17:25,212 --> 00:17:26,088 - Lao-tzu! - Sea Man! 464 00:17:26,213 --> 00:17:29,174 The mass suicide is over, Blaine, and so are you! 465 00:17:29,299 --> 00:17:30,968 I don't think so. Get them! 466 00:17:32,010 --> 00:17:32,928 [Screaming] 467 00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:35,931 My ice breath should take care of you. 468 00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:37,975 Kyle! Kyle! 469 00:17:38,100 --> 00:17:39,768 Sweet salvation! 470 00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:43,313 Kyle? 471 00:17:46,650 --> 00:17:49,361 [Gasps] Oh, my God! They killed Kenny! 472 00:17:49,486 --> 00:17:51,321 You bastards! 473 00:17:51,446 --> 00:17:52,406 Kyle? 474 00:17:52,531 --> 00:17:54,074 Oh, my God! They killed Kenny! 475 00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:56,368 You bastards! 476 00:17:56,493 --> 00:17:58,036 Oh, my God! They killed Kenny! 477 00:17:58,161 --> 00:18:01,081 - That takes care of them. - Now it's your turn, Blaine! 478 00:18:01,206 --> 00:18:03,750 Perhaps you need to see some real magic. 479 00:18:08,088 --> 00:18:10,841 Raaargh! 480 00:18:10,966 --> 00:18:11,967 Oh, this looks like trouble. 481 00:18:12,092 --> 00:18:14,344 So long, Super Best Fools! 482 00:18:14,469 --> 00:18:15,220 - Kyle! - Stan! 483 00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:17,806 - Kyle, you can't kill yourself! - I don't want to kill myself! 484 00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:19,558 They rigged this thing to fill with water! 485 00:18:19,683 --> 00:18:20,851 [Thudding] 486 00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:24,813 We've got to stop that oversized Abraham Lincoln! 487 00:18:24,938 --> 00:18:25,981 Muhammad! 488 00:18:27,316 --> 00:18:28,734 - Aargh! - Aah! 489 00:18:28,859 --> 00:18:29,776 Great Scott! 490 00:18:29,901 --> 00:18:31,528 [Gasping] 491 00:18:31,653 --> 00:18:32,988 Okay, try again. 492 00:18:33,113 --> 00:18:33,989 Hyup! 493 00:18:34,114 --> 00:18:37,326 [Indistinct shouting and screaming] 494 00:18:37,451 --> 00:18:38,785 It is too powerful, Jesus! 495 00:18:38,910 --> 00:18:41,121 It seems to have no weakness. 496 00:18:41,246 --> 00:18:42,789 There has to be a way to destroy it. 497 00:18:42,914 --> 00:18:43,957 Jesus to Moses! 498 00:18:44,082 --> 00:18:47,127 ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, at the Super Best Friends League... 499 00:18:47,252 --> 00:18:49,087 - Come in, Moses! - What? 500 00:18:49,212 --> 00:18:52,049 We need to know how to kill a giant, stone Abraham Lincoln. 501 00:18:53,216 --> 00:18:55,052 Um... 502 00:18:55,177 --> 00:18:57,763 Let me, um... 503 00:18:57,888 --> 00:19:01,099 A giant, stone John Wilkes Booth? 504 00:19:03,518 --> 00:19:05,020 You heard him, Super Best Friends! 505 00:19:05,145 --> 00:19:07,898 We've got to make a giant, stone John Wilkes Booth! 506 00:19:08,023 --> 00:19:10,150 Krishna, we're going to need wood for a mold! 507 00:19:10,275 --> 00:19:12,319 Form of -- a beaver! 508 00:19:16,281 --> 00:19:17,783 I will find sources of concrete. 509 00:19:17,908 --> 00:19:19,618 You, get the water to mix it with, Seaman. 510 00:19:19,743 --> 00:19:21,036 [Laughter] 511 00:19:21,161 --> 00:19:23,997 ANNOUNCER: Using the wood that Krishna cut down as a beaver, 512 00:19:24,122 --> 00:19:26,249 Jesus uses his master carpentry skills 513 00:19:26,375 --> 00:19:27,751 to make a giant mold. 514 00:19:27,876 --> 00:19:30,379 That should do the trick. Now for some concrete. 515 00:19:30,504 --> 00:19:32,756 ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, in the ocean depths, 516 00:19:32,881 --> 00:19:35,717 Seaman seeks out water to mix with the concrete. 517 00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:36,927 Sea Man! 518 00:19:37,052 --> 00:19:39,513 Look, Swallow, we should be able to divert the water 519 00:19:39,638 --> 00:19:40,514 with that pipe. 520 00:19:40,639 --> 00:19:42,933 ANNOUNCER: And so Seaman and Swallow 521 00:19:43,058 --> 00:19:44,559 get to -- get to work, heh. 522 00:19:44,685 --> 00:19:46,812 Kyle, you have to hold your breath! 523 00:19:48,021 --> 00:19:49,481 [ People screaming ] 524 00:19:53,694 --> 00:19:54,653 Oh, very funny. 525 00:19:59,783 --> 00:20:00,951 Lao-tzu, bring it to life. 526 00:20:01,076 --> 00:20:03,036 ANNOUNCER: Using his power of Taoism, 527 00:20:03,161 --> 00:20:06,957 Lao-tzu becomes one with the giant, stone John Wilkes Booth. 528 00:20:10,001 --> 00:20:11,044 Barp! 529 00:20:12,337 --> 00:20:14,339 Ah! 530 00:20:14,464 --> 00:20:15,173 It worked. 531 00:20:15,298 --> 00:20:17,634 Now freeze over the pool so no one else can drown themselves! 532 00:20:19,511 --> 00:20:20,846 - Whoa! - Whoa! 533 00:20:20,971 --> 00:20:23,265 Hey, I was just about to do it! 534 00:20:23,390 --> 00:20:26,059 ANNOUNCER: Later, at the exact same location... 535 00:20:26,184 --> 00:20:27,936 Damn you, Super Best Friends! 536 00:20:28,061 --> 00:20:30,939 Your magic is no match for our powers combined, Blaine! 537 00:20:31,064 --> 00:20:33,900 Then I guess you win this time, Super Best Fools! 538 00:20:34,025 --> 00:20:35,235 But I'll be back! 539 00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:36,486 Twaah. 540 00:20:37,571 --> 00:20:38,488 God damn it! 541 00:20:38,613 --> 00:20:41,408 It's all right. Everything is as it should be. 542 00:20:41,533 --> 00:20:42,534 Oh, shut up, Buddha. 543 00:20:43,744 --> 00:20:46,079 Our leader, he's -- he's leaving us. 544 00:20:46,204 --> 00:20:48,165 Don't leave us, David Blaine! 545 00:20:48,290 --> 00:20:49,624 Listen up, everyone. 546 00:20:49,750 --> 00:20:51,668 You don't need David Blaine to tell you how to live. 547 00:20:51,793 --> 00:20:54,212 You see, cults are dangerous because they promise you hope, 548 00:20:54,337 --> 00:20:56,047 happiness, and maybe even an afterlife. 549 00:20:56,173 --> 00:20:57,758 But in return, they demand you pay money. 550 00:20:57,883 --> 00:20:59,468 Any religion that requires you to pay money 551 00:20:59,593 --> 00:21:02,179 in order to move up and learn its tenets is wrong. 552 00:21:02,304 --> 00:21:04,097 You see, all religions have something valuable to teach, 553 00:21:04,222 --> 00:21:06,433 but just like the Super Best Friends learned, 554 00:21:06,558 --> 00:21:09,186 it requires a little bit of them all. 555 00:21:10,187 --> 00:21:12,439 He's right. He -- He's right! 556 00:21:12,564 --> 00:21:15,275 Thanks for saving me, Stan. You're my Super Best Friend. 557 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:16,860 Your my Super Best Friend, too, Kyle. 558 00:21:16,985 --> 00:21:18,695 Oh, that's so sweet, you guys. 559 00:21:18,820 --> 00:21:20,781 You want to go get a room so you can make out for a while? 560 00:21:20,906 --> 00:21:21,615 [Laughs] 561 00:21:21,740 --> 00:21:23,241 Ow! Jesus! What was that for?! 562 00:21:23,366 --> 00:21:25,410 [Stan and Kyle laughing] Ow! Ow! Stop it! Ow! 563 00:21:25,535 --> 00:21:27,829 Well, it looks like everything worked out. 564 00:21:27,954 --> 00:21:31,416 ANNOUNCER: And so Jesus and his companions leave Washington. 565 00:21:31,541 --> 00:21:33,168 But their return is assured, 566 00:21:33,293 --> 00:21:35,045 for there will always be a need for 567 00:21:35,170 --> 00:21:37,547 the Super Best Friends!